i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
