My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
