My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
