The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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