girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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