She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
