We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She's the barista slut.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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