I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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