Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
