Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
