i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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