Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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