I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
