Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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