u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
