Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
