what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
