it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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