Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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