guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
