Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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