spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
