I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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