Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
