I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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