did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
