I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
