Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
