the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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