I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
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Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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