If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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