Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
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The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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