That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize