My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
