When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He shit in the fireplace
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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