You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
jump out the window naked night went bad
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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