Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
