I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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