also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
