I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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