I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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