You're earring is so big in my mouth
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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