and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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