i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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