i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
