so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Blood and glitter go together right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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