K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
