Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
