Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
