the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
