Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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