I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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