I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
