I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
