Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
